My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
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I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
he’s doing your taxes
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows