Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
You Might Also Like
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Best spot.. 😅
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.