You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
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They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
It’s a gift
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.