I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
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Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
found my next D&D character name
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?