Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I think they could have phrased this better
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
remember
only for emergencies