Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
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“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Britain be like
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.