“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
You Might Also Like
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Coffee for people with no kids
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.