Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
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I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.