Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
You Might Also Like
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
This is why I hate group projects
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog