people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
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Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.