they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
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Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.