Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
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I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
🤣✨#caturday
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Care for your back
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!