*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
You Might Also Like
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
This rocks
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.