My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!