I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
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if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Dietest Coke
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.