Netflix: We have Less
You Might Also Like
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!