aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume