HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
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Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.