Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
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My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
True statement👍😏😁
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Who knew!
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour