I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
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[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket