Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
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Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
…żyje?
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades