*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
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Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.