Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
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Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)