Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
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*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets