My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats