ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
You Might Also Like
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.