Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
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Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
What the hell happened in there??
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…