Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
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*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Google Pay be like:
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.