How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
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If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
The sacred texts.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept