Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
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The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
dutch is not a serious language
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.