boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.