*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
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I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?