I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
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In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or