[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.