Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
real
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
my nickname in college
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…