Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
You Might Also Like
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*