Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
You Might Also Like
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]