Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
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Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,