If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
You Might Also Like
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Pringles
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate