1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
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Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.