“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
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Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
what it’s like dating me:
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.