Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Strange
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Haha! 😂
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
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