Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
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I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
we’re dead?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”