Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Has there ever been a more American story?
fed my baby with a knife* today if you鈥檙e wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor鈥檚 cat
I know this now 馃槀
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I鈥檓 going to have to let go.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I鈥檓 glad we鈥檙e finally banning plastic straws. It鈥檚 about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
me: who鈥檚 ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”