Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
You Might Also Like
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.