About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
You Might Also Like
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!