Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
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[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Important
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I identify as an antique shop.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes