God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Found the job I’m suited for
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”