* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
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for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Traveler’s camo
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery