I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
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DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.